If I Had a Million Rupees

I'd buy these beautiful shoes from John Fluevog. Walking Queen Street today was dangerous. Many nice things that I certainly cannot afford, seeing as I have no job (and thus, no way to pay for this pair of $900 custom-made shoes).

Becoming Me

I've been thinking about this for awhile. Or maybe I haven't. But I'm thinking about it now, and that's all that really matters, I think. I am ignorant. No. Really. I am. All this time, all of the experiences I've been going through, from picking Queen's at the last minute to working for the Feds, to starting Seminary and going to India, all of these things have come together to prepare me for now. What is now? I suppose that's a matter of perspective, but it seems an interesting crossroads in my life. No clear direction (and yet, a good sense of directedness), I find myself excited about what's to happen next. Whom shall I meet? What opportunities will arise next? Which of my plans will be completely turned on end to reveal new and exciting adventures I hadn't even dreamed of? And with all of this on the horizon, trying not to get too distracted by the possibilities and the what-ifs, every little bit of this chase is guided, orchestrated, set out before me, even if I don't know the twists and turns the path might take. Some days it's hard to accept. Others I relish the adventure. Some days it's paralysing. Others, the most liberating. What I need to keep in mind. What needs to guide my perspective is that this path is guided, that my life's course is laid out for me to discover, to uncover, and to enjoy. The messy bits, they're all part of the adventure. The heartaches, the broken promises, the unexpected rains are all part of teaching me to become who I really am. And through it all, I become more truly Andrew everyday.

Time for a New Template

Just a matter of housekeeping, but I think that I'll be working on a new blog template over the next few weeks. All this pre-packaged stuff is nice, but I'd like this space to seem a little more like my own. A little lived-in, a little personalised. Hopefully I don't blow the place up in process.

Inconvenience Store

On the way home from groceries. Picked up some butter, ice cream, mushrooms and a bit of pasta. I haven't tried the gorgonzola pasta sauce in a long time. Tonight's a good night to bring it back. Back to the story. There is a point to all of this, right? Maybe. Dunno. On the way home from groceries, I stop at the corner store. I want some Coke. Not Pepsi. Coke. So I walk to the cooler, pick out one of those 591ml bottles. $1.59. Kinda expensive, but I haven't had a Coke in weeks. Get to the counter, hand the man a toonie. He gives me change; I turn to leave. "You know the 2L bottles are on for ninety-nine cents, eh?" He says. "Really?" I ask, "May I..." "It's too late now. Now you go."

Train Wreck

The whistle strains a warning. Hundreds of awe-struck Indian commuters stare incredulously. The track shortens, the distance disappears and suddenly the train is upon them. Each morning on our way to Prem Dan, one section of the trek required us to walk train tracks during commuter traffic. Not a difficult thing to figure out so long as you remember what direction the trains come from. It's the last leg of the journey. We've walked 15 minutes, and all's left is to wade through the throng at Park Circus, cross the tracks, and enter the home. Fires burning, papers for sale, merchants yelling, onlookers staring and calling after us gringos to buy something. Buy anything. Touts carry fruit, water, chickens to their destination. Kerosene stoves are lit. Men urinate on the track. Rickshaw drivers seek fares. We're almost to our destination, they get none from us. The girls walk in front. I trail behind. We've had to contend with too many wanting the feel of breast, and now I drop back, defiantly, eyes searching, hands ready to protect my friends from indiscretion. These hands can do nothing today. They can do nothing about the two new Spanish volunteers completely unaware of their surroundings. Completely unaware of the 30-car commuter-filled train baring down on them. Completely unaware that being on the tracks is a bad, bad thing in such a situation as this. Because really, being in the path of a closing train is not highly recommended. Our girls are off the track. I'm well clear. But these women - Lord Have Mercy - they're still there. They step off. Barely. They stop, dead in their tracks. The train is barreling down, the whistle screeching an awful, piercing sound. I cannot avert my eyes.

Navy Seals

Leave it to the Jesuits, those navy seals of Christianity to come up with an incredibly helpful website for contemplative prayer. Beyond breaking into unfamiliar and unfriendly territory, sharing the gospel using canoes and things, these guys know how to use the internet. I'm just getting back into using their sacred space website for guided meditation throughout the week. Everytime I use it, I come away with an incredible sense of peace and the mystery of God. Love it. Love them Catholics. They've got some good things going on, they do.

Haircut

What a soothing way to spend an afternoon. Shampoo massaged into scalp, hair washed, cut, and dried. It kinda reminds me of the style I had when I was five. I probably paid a lot less for it back then tho. Momma just ain't into taking me to the barber's no more. And this guy doesn't give me those caramel candies like Mike did when he wasn't too busy watching horse-racing on the shop's 13" sepiatone television.

Needs Cilantro

I just made one of the Calcutta-Style grilled sandwiches I ate all summer, but it was sadly missing cilantro. The recipe's almost perfected - all's left is to figure out how they made that awesome curried chicken mixture, and find me a bottle of Limca to accompany the next feast. As they say, "Limca energizes, refreshes and transforms. Dive into the zingy refreshment of Limca and walk away a new person..."

Appreciation.

Thank-you for meeting with me today. For bringing me comfort and peace, and joy that can be found in nothing but you. I think it's going to be a good week after-all.

Thanksgiving Prayer

This week-end was difficult. It was filled with a great deal of joy, absolutely. But I guess I encountered some unexpected feelings that distracted me from all of the goodness worth celebrating in this life. And why is that? With so much good, with so many blessings in my life, I find myself focusing most directly on the one thing (and it's most definitely not an issue of global concern) that isn't going well. That isn't going my way. I should probably give that thing up, but I find it hard. With no closure, I'm fighting against ghosts and whispers and possibilities that don't even really exist. Little in this situation is currently dependent on my action, and yet I'm getting worked up. Andrew. You've gotta stop. And so I will. For awhile. And then I'll come back to it, and go through this cycle again until I find distraction. When really what I need is for this problem to die. To leave me alone. Not to prey on my mind. So I pray for my mind. Father, Son and Holy Spirit, help me to trust your will. To trust that this all happened for your reasons and in your timing. Help me not to hold onto things that were never mine in the first place. They were, are, and always will be yours. As I sleep tonite, grant me your peace, wrap me in your embrace, and help me to let go of this tangled web of thoughts and these shards of broken dreams. All they do is tie me down. All they do is cut me off from you. Help me to trust. Help me to love. Help me to live, walking along the narrow road of the present, knowing that you have control of all time. Past, Present, Future. Above all do your will in my life, and in the lives of those who continually seek after you. Thank-you again for your love, your sacrifice, and your mercies that are new every morning... I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Moved In

The new house is great. So great. I sit on the couch every morning, sipping coffee, reading my book and looking out through the trees. No indication of civilisation to be found. I can't even see the houses across the street. I'm sure we'll do a housewarming shortly...just have to hang some art on the walls, and we'll be all set. It's thanksgiving, and in this world, absolutely everything is gift. I've got a lot of thanking to do.